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In honor of Star Wars day, we thought we'd share Dario the Apprentice's take on the stars!
"I see change in the air for everyone."
“It's been bad. We‘re sorry. Take care of yourself.”
“No pennies are truly bad. They’re made that way by capitalism.”
“It’s very difficult to know what the coming year will bring, even for horoscopists like us.”
“Bring back playing baseball in dresses, Virgo!”
“We are so sorry, Leo. Please accept this image as a token of our heartfelt sorrow on your behalf.”
“Just give him the pickles, Cancer.”
Ladybugs will fly alarmingly at your face. Be careful of the ladybugs.
“It is time, Pisces, for you to adopt ten angora rabbits.”
“It’s not your fault that everything isn’t working out as you had hoped.”
“Sometimes you’ve just reached the end of your proverbial rope, and it’s time to crawl into bed, eat some ice cream, and listen to Joni Mitchell for just as long as it takes.”
“How are all those New Year’s resolutions shaping up? It’s okay if you’ve abandoned them. No one will know, what with you still stuck endlessly in your home.”
“It’s okay to be sad, but remember that there are still nice things in the world. And you’re one of them.”
“Our feet are asleep, Sagittarius. That might not mean anything to you, but it tells us that this December is going to be your time to shine. And we mean really shine, like you are a beautifully polished piece of chrome!”
“When an unfamiliar man arrives in your life, do not, Sagittarius, under any circumstances, tell that stranger the name of your first childhood pet.”
“Comic books are really, really good, Aquarius. It’s time for you to start getting really, really into them. Not the superhero ones. The really weird ones.”
“These horoscopes, more than usual, are meant to be read all the way through.”
May 2020 horoscopes by Dinah Takitov
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