Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Go outside more, Gemini. There’s neat stuff out there. Rocks. Snails. Airplanes. Ladybugs who will fly alarmingly at your face. Be careful of the ladybugs. Maybe try having a less delicious face.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Spring, Cancer! It was barely a thing and now it’s summer already? Time is a bowl of weird, overlapping noodles. It’s nice that you are having such a good time these days. It will continue for a while yet.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

It’s okay to feel lonely, Leo. That doesn’t mean you can just stop living your life and taking care of yourself, though. That’s how The Depression gets you. Do something you love and take the time to really enjoy it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22)

Everybody knows, Virgo. That thing you’re so nervous to tell everyone? Yeah, most people figured it out a long time ago. Just be who you are and live your best life. Those who love you will understand, and those who don’t? No one needs them.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)

June is a really good time for swimming, Libra. So is July. If you start digging now, you might be able to finish up the pool by then. We wish you all the luck. And fully expect an invitation to the final product. We will bring the margaritas.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)

You’ve done it, Scorpio! You have created a new landscape from the wreckage of a dilapidated trash pit, and it is shaping up to be truly lovely. We know you are eager to move on to other projects, but suggest you take a little time for yourself instead. Work on an art project. Hang out with your wife.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21)

It’s super cute when dogs pick out their own toys, Sagittarius. We don’t have any advice for you this month, we just want you to think about how cute that is and be happy. Maybe look up some YouTube videos.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Have you ever considered purchasing bulk amounts of silly string, Capricorn? All we can tell you is that it’s going to be extremely necessary in the coming months. Pick it up now, before anyone else catches on.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Consider what you might be able to train an army of goldfish to do, Aquarius. Is it anything useful? If it is, please let us know. We’re deeply curious.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

It’s time we just come clean, Pisces. At this exact moment in time, we are more unable than ever to know the future; our own feels shifting and uncertain. Oh, we’re just kidding. Something good will happen to you next Tuesday.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Do the best you can, Aries. Make good choices. Don’t eat rocks, no matter how delicious they might look and/or sound. Don’t worry, you’re not the first person we have had to tell this to.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Whoa, Taurus. There is a whole lot going on with you right now, and much of it is out of your immediate control. We suspect that all will resolve in your favor, as things always should.

Dinah Takitov is probably drinking too much coffee.

Photo by Austin Ban on Unsplash