Cancer (June 22-July 22)

When this man arrives at your door and asks for pickles, just give him the pickles, Cancer.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

It’s okay to say no to things, Leo. Giving up one responsibility among many does not mean you are lazy or some kind of failure, and it may be time to consider giving up more. Set good boundaries and remember to ask for the things you need, even when it’s difficult.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22)

Did you know, Virgo, that it is remarkably difficult to find songs about teachers that do not involve the teacher being lusted after in some way? It is. We just thought you might like to know this piece of trivia and share it with friends. Maybe write a nice, platonic song about a teacher-student relationship.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)

The two girls in this paper moon are very, very serious. Try not to be this serious when you are given the opportunity to hang out somewhere fun, like in a paper moon.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)

Now that you have a beautiful landscape to enjoy, Scorpio, it’s time for some serious self-care. Take some naps. Do some art. Read a book. Pet a dog. Pet a cat. Pet a hedgehog. Uh… be careful with that last one.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21)

It’s too hot and we hate it, Sagittarius. We generally reserve these complaints for Cancer, but our current dehydrated wrath knows no reasonable bounds! It’s time for the two of you to get together and work out a better plan for the weather, honestly.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Did you know that Jerry Springer was a politician prior to becoming a controversial talk show host? He resigned in 1974 after he was caught paying a sex worker, but his forthrightness about the whole thing ultimately helped him to win back his seat the next year. Honesty really is the best policy.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Don’t doubt yourself, Aquarius. If this kid can get on top of this horse, you can do anything you set your mind to.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

There is something wrong with our brain today, Pisces, and we just can’t quite muster a prediction for you. That’s okay, though; sometimes it’s best to just stumble blindly into the future with no plans or preconceived ideas. Probably.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

The Modern Language Association has recently released its 9th edition handbook, and you, Aries, will be delighted to know that you can finally cite your Snapchats and YouTube videos in accordance with MLA guidelines.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

We wish you the very best of luck getting the horrible troll goblin out of your basement, Taurus. It was nice of you to give it so many opportunities to change its tune and clean up its act, but horrible troll goblins just don’t often change. Remember that its behavior is no reflection on you. You’re a delight.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

It is important that you recreate this photo within the next six months, Gemini:

Dinah Takitov is spending too much time outside.

Main image by Nastya Dulhiier on Unsplash

In-body images courtesy of Dinah Takitov