Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
We wish we could tell you things will be different this year, Capricorn, but we simply cannot. We can merely blink it to you in Morse code, punctuating the conversation with a confusing and ambiguous wink.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Did you know that it’s possible to ruin your own life, Aquarius? Oh, who are we kidding… of course you did! The upside here is that it is also possible to fix your own life. It just takes a lot of hard work, determination, and an ungodly amount of nightshade plants.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Oh, Pisces, you adorable fishes, you. Swimming right along, unaware that a bloodthirsty shark is about to lurch from the ocean’s depths and swallow you whole. It’s adorable!
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Pay attention to the construction of sentences, Aries. Their underlying architecture and meaning. It will prove to be rewarding.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself, Taurus. The rest of the world is putting enough pressure on all of us already.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
A caution, Gemini: expect disaster around every corner.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
It’s been a while since we talked, Cancer. We miss you and hope the weather is nice where you are.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Your future remains unknowable, Leo. All you can do is work actively toward the one you want.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22)
You smell delicious, Virgo! All that time you’ve spent getting deeply into weird perfumes has really paid off. We respect your desire to smell like a spooky, moss-covered graveyard.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
It’s just not your time yet, Libra. Your time is around 11:57 p.m. on a third Tuesday in a month we can’t quite foresee. Probably one of those ‘-embers’.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)
This is really going to be your year, Scorpio. We have it on good authority. Your green thumb will pay off in more ways than one. (And you should probably see a doctor about it sooner rather than later.)
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21)
Don’t be so sad, Sagittarius. It’s okay to be sad, but remember that there are still nice things in the world. And you’re one of them.
Dinah Takitov wants you to have a great year.