Taurus (April 20-May 20)

The Louvre recently put its entire collection online for all the world to view, Taurus. They did this most specifically for you, so that you might spend an inordinate amount of time perusing paintings of nude women surrounded by creepy looking little cherubim. What could be a better use of your time?

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Stop, Gemini. Look around. How did you get here? We’re not saying that you have a tendency to rush headlong into things without thinking through the possible consequences, but we’re not not saying that either. Try being a little more intentional about your decisions.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

It’s weird that you control the weather, Cancer, but that is by far not the weirdest thing about you. That would be your unrelenting insistence on marbles as a new type of currency. I mean, we guess it’s no weirder than NFTs, and it’s probably more sustainable? You do you, Cancer.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Sometimes it’s difficult to do what you know is best for you, especially if it means sacrifice. Toil. Hardship. Long, lonely nights. We think you’ll probably survive giving up gluten, though.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22)

When is the last time you saw a printed photograph, Virgo? Consider whether all your memories currently live on the cloud and what you would do in the event of a catastrophic internet failure. Photos might not be your highest priority in that case, but wouldn’t they be reassuring to have around?

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)

What are you doing with your life, Libra? Is it the thing you want to be doing? If it’s not, now is a good time to start working toward change. Loose change, though. Like, busking so you can get a lot of quarters. They’re the first step.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)

There are more stars in the sky than there are plants on earth, Scorpio, but you are doing your level best to change that ratio. We admire your commitment to the rewilding of nature. Keep it going.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21)

Get a dog, Sagittarius. Already have a dog? Take it for more walks. Allergic to dogs? Take a lot of walks anyway. Especially in or near heavily wooded areas. Something unexpected and important is awaiting you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)


Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Everyone is having trouble focusing these days, Aquarius. It’s not just you. A global pandemic is still raging on, despite what some folks would have you believe, and that is exhausting enough to take a mental toll on anyone. Take care of yourself.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

It is time, Pisces, for you to adopt ten angora rabbits. We think you may have already known this, though, judging by the large loom you have built for yourself already. Excellent planning. Way to go.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

The world’s largest Nutella heist was not one of history’s more notable crimes, Aries, but it really should have been. Don’t feel bad when your recent efforts are overlooked—if even Nutella can’t snag a headline, what hope has there ever been for you? Be content with having done the right thing.

Photo by Nathan Boadle on Unsplash