Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):
Leo! It is your birth month. You know what to do. Gather twenty deer, several colorful ribbons, and a maypole. Attach the ribbons to the deer’s antlers and lead them slowly around the maypole. Release the deer. Sit quietly under the maypole until it topples on you, crushing you into the ground where you will await your splendorous rebirth.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22):
Look, Virgo, we don’t know what has gotten into you lately, but we do know what has gotten out. You better catch that thing and stuff it back inside, because it is wreaking serious havoc on poor little kittycats all over Kennewick.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23):
You’ve been struggling with a decision recently, Libra, and you’re not alone. No, we mean you’re not alone right now. You should probably check your closet. Maybe whoever’s in there can provide some valuable insight on your current dilemma.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22):
Life is neverending tedium, Scorpio. Just get used to it and find some pleasant ways to pass the time. We’ve heard that drawing’s nice.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21):
You’re good at adapting to new situations, Sagittarius, but perhaps the time has come to consider that you are too good at it. Consider whether your constant adaptations are undertaken for your own benefit or for those of someone else.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):
It’s time to throw out the playbook, Capricorn! Make your own rules. Then break all of them and throw away the rulebook. Why did you write them in a book, anyway? That’s a weird thing to do.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):
Comic books are really, really good, Aquarius. It’s time for you to start getting really, really into them. Not the superhero ones. The really weird ones.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):
It just hasn’t been your month, Pisces. Sometimes things don’t go your way for a while. Only you can change your luck, though, so dust yourself off and find something nice to do for yourself!
Aries (March 21-April 19):
You’re very handsome, Aries. It’d be a real shame if anything happened to change that. Oh, that whistling you hear in the distance? Probably nothing. Relax. Think about how handsome you are, instead.
Taurus (April 20-May 20):
It is inappropriate to order that much macaroni at one time, Taurus, and it is an impractical sculpture material. It’s time to give up on this particular plan.
Gemini (May 21-June 21):
Look, Gemini, you know as well as we do what you have to do this month. It won’t be fun, or pleasant, or remotely interesting, but it will feel good to finally get it done. You have our full support. Now do the thing.
Cancer (June 22-July 22):
The weather has been unseasonably pleasant these last few weeks, Cancer, and we cannot help but wonder what nefarious plan is underfoot for the coming winter. We’ve got our eye on you.
Dinah Takitov is merely an assemblage of snails.