Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22):  

One day, Virgo, everything you love will start to wither and die. Including you.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23):

We can't tell you exactly what horrors await you this month, Libra, because to utter the names of the unspeakable horrors that await would cause you to go mad instantly.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22):

Oh, Scorpio. Why have you even gotten out of bed this month? We didn't tell you to do that. The punishment for not listening to your horoscopist is swift, severe, and mainly involves thumbscrews. Brace yourself.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21):

When an unfamiliar man arrives in your life, do not, Sagittarius, under any circumstances, tell that stranger the name of your first childhood pet.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):

Think twice before disposing of the hair in your brush, Capricorn. How easily someone could lift it out and use it to hex you. Consider this a gentle warning.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):

Don't go walking alone in the woods at night, Aquarius. There's something strange in the moonlight.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20):

Curses befall us all at one time or another, Pisces. The cloven hooves will likely wear off after a few days.

Aries (March 21-April 19):

At least you've still got your health, Aries. Your face was nice while it lasted. Too bad about your terrible personality, though.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

Not yet, Taurus. You'll have to wait for the next blood moon.

Gemini (May 21-June 21):

It's time to show the world your true face, Gemini. The one behind that human mask you wear.

Cancer (June 22-July 22):

Lovely fall weather we've been having, Cancer. It's a shame that your days are growing so short here on this earth.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22):

Keep your secrets close, Leo, or they may come to destroy you.

Dinah Takitov is probably not a jackalope.