Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
How are all those New Year’s resolutions shaping up, Aquarius? It’s okay if you’ve abandoned them. No one will know, what with you still stuck endlessly in your home.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
We’re so glad you survived your recent shark attack, Pisces. Good things are coming to you soon. Like sugar cookies in the mail.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Take some time away from the endless barrage of screens that demand your attention, Aries. You will be surprised with what you find when your focus comes back to reality.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Look, Taurus, it’s hard to put together a complete art show at the best of times. During a pandemic? Even harder. Go easy on yourself.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Your disasters have been temporarily halted, Gemini, and we are so glad. Boy, that was a rough January. Things should improve from here.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
We’ve all had enough of this incredibly mild winter, Cancer, and the very least you could do is give us a snowstorm or two. As long as we’re all stuck at home, we could do with something pretty and atmospheric.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
What if someone told you that you couldn’t eat ice cream for a month, Leo? Well, that’s exactly what we are telling you. Time to give up dairy and find out if you have any new and exciting allergies! You lucky duck, you.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22)
Good fortune is coming your way, Virgo. All you need is six desiccated ladybug husks, a honeybee, and some vanilla. You’ll know what to do once you assemble them.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
Writing is hard, Libra! That’s exactly why we suggest you take it up now. Write some poetry, and find some poor schmuck to read it aloud to. It will be the beginning of a magical friendship.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)
It’s important to disconnect from the news sometimes, Scorpio. Take time to make art, and don’t get discouraged when it doesn’t go according to plan. Remember that plans, in general, are a fool’s errand.
Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21)
Oh, Sagittarius. We didn’t want to be the ones to bring you this news. So we won’t, and instead we will tell you to pay special attention to a message that is coming to you mid-month.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your recent emotional labor will not go unrewarded, Capricorn, though the reward will not come in a way you expect. It will come in the form of several delicious jellybeans. It’s not great, but it’s better than nothing!
Dinah Takitov is a tiny, shaking chihuahua.
Photo by Nastya Dulhiier on Unsplash