Astrological apprentice Dario here. Dinah is letting me handle this month’s horoscopes, and I see change in the air for everyone.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) We get it. After months of telling us that winter is coming, it did, and now it’s going to hang around for a few months. At least you have the good sense not to linger like those darn Aquarius folks. In fact, people want you around more. Don’t be afraid to hang out longer when invited. Just don’t show up early.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Why is it that spring, summer, and fall seem to rush by but winter takes forever? Aquarius, this is you. Sometimes too late, sometimes too early, always sticks around a bit too long. For the new year, break out of that slump! Say hello, drop off your gifts, and move on.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) While everyone else is spending 2023 transforming, Pisces, you did it last year. Remember that night out, the full moon above you, the weird hair that started sprouting…? Don’t worry, you’ll meet a Scorpio ready to go through the same change.
Aries (March 21-April 19) Here’s the deal, Aries. You want change, you have to plan for it. And I know you did. You planted those new flower bulbs before the first frosts and when spring comes around… What’s that? You forgot to plant the new bulbs? Wildflowers it is!
Taurus (April 20-May 20) You didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas again, Taurus. I understand. Hit those off-season sales and take yourself somewhere nice for lunch. That’s right, there’s a gift card to that place you like on your counter and you almost forgot about it.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) There are two paths before you, Gemini. One leads to good credit and low debt. The other leads to okay credit and manageable debt. Doesn’t sound like much fun, does it? Both paths meet at the end, so I wouldn’t worry about it too much.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Dario’s wife is a Cancer and so I see all the best for all Cancers in 2023. Success at work, or a stronger union if you need one. Even more opportunities to show the patriarchy you don’t need them. A movie starring Nic Cage and his — gasp — natural hair!
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) For just a second, quiet down. Do you hear that? No, it’s not the sound of one hand clapping or a tree falling in the forest when you aren’t there. It’s the sound of your own heartbeat. Like a drum, it’s urging you to … go to more concerts this year. You’ll thank me later.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) What’s up, Virgo? You told me 2022 was going to be your year. And it was! Good for you! Keep that up, but don’t forget to bring someone along this time. You can do many things alone, but not everything.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Did you see Clerks III? Not to spoil it, but it’s basically about Randall (the former video store clerk) having a heart attack and then deciding he should make a movie instead of just complain about them. Before you have a heart attack, find that thing that annoys you no matter how much you love it, and then live your dream. It’s not too late. (And watch Clerks III).
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Don’t go planning that Halloween costume yet, Scorpio. There’s a nice Pisces in your future who has the perfect costume for you. It is a year of transformation and you have a big one coming this year.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Oh my god, Sagittarius! Did you see what your Virgo friend did last year? Guess what? That friend is ready to bring you along this year. Make sure you go, otherwise you’ll end up in a Libra’s low-budget black & white movie.
Dario the Apprentice has been given the chance to predict your future.