Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Boy, Cancer, we do not know what to say to you about this last month. It’s been bad. We’re sorry. Take care of yourself.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Engaging with the world, Leo, does not mean that you have to say yes to everything. Select your projects carefully, set your boundaries clearly, and be a force for good.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22)

Great things come to those who wait, Virgo, and your patience is just about to pay off. We know that waiting is the absolute worst, but you’re about to finally get everything you’ve been waiting for.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)

A time to reflect is upon you, Libra, and we suggest that you don’t judge yourself too harshly for whatever happened these last few years. Remember that it was a pandemic, not an artist’s retreat, and therefore it’s okay if you did not write the great American novel or learn a new skill or hobby. It’s okay if you just survived.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)

You are covered in dirt, Scorpio, and that is not surprising given the long hours you’ve been putting in outside. Keep making the world around you more beautiful.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21)

Driving is one of our least favorite activities, Sagittarius, and we think that the world would be better off without it. Walk more places.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Ocelots are strong swimmers, Capricorn. Did you know? It’s probably good that we haven’t recently released a pack of them in Columbia Park.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Call your parents, Aquarius. If you have a good relationship with them, that is. If you don’t, then call the person you love most and tell them just how much they mean to you. Time on this planet is brief.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Rhymes are difficult to come up with and make sound natural in poetry, Pisces, but you probably know this, prolific poet that you are. Keep working on those chapbooks.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

It’s difficult, Aries, to say exactly what the future holds for any of us these days. We can almost categorically say “nothing good” when it comes to politics. Fortunately, your personal life is going like gangbusters. We’ll take what we can get, eh?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Meandering thoughts are interfering with your ability to get tasks completed on time, Taurus. It’s not your fault! You have a brain parasite. We think. See a doctor to be sure.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Elephants should not be kept as pets, Gemini, and we think you should have known better. Tsk, tsk.


Dinah Takitov loves you all so much.