Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

It’s okay to get deep into a funk, Pisces. Sometimes you’ve just reached the end of your proverbial rope, and it’s time to crawl into bed, eat some ice cream, and listen to Joni Mitchell for just as long as it takes.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

We regret to say that this horoscope has malfunctioned, Aries, and will now be merely a string of unrelated beeps and boops: beep boop beep boop beep beep beep boop boop beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep boop boop booooop beeep beep beep boop beep boop beep.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

When did you last cry in front of another person, Taurus? You’re about due. Get those tissues at the ready, and remember that it’s okay to fall apart a little when life calls for it.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Have you ever felt like your horoscopist is just making things up as they go along, Gemini? We most definitely are. You’re the master of your own destiny. Don’t let this sour you on astrology.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

SCIENCE! It’s finally coming back into fashion, Cancer, just like the horrible fashion of the 1990s is threatening to do. At least one of the things is good. At this point in the pandemic, that’s really all anyone can ask. Don’t get greedy.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Do you ever feel like your writing is just getting worse and worse, Leo? Yeah. Sometimes we feel that way about your writing, too. Remember those things called drafts? They exist for a reason!

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22)

You can’t keep a secret, Virgo, and that might be your very best trait. There are some hard truths you need to share, and sooner is better than later. Get to spillin’.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)

Enjoy your days in the sunshine, Libra. They’re specifically for you this month. We don’t know exactly why, but we assume it’s something to do with those spiderwebs you’ve been collecting for the last few months. Good job?

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)

DIRT. Everywhere. There is so much dirt. All the things are covered in dirt. It is fascinating, how the dirt finds its way into the most seldom-used corners of the house. Fascinating, and maddening.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21)

Sometimes you fall in love with the wrong person, Sagittarius. Sometimes that person is a cactus: beautiful and spiky on the outside, filled with water and little else on the inside. You can do better.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

There was this weird time in the 1990s when everyone suddenly got into big band music and swing dancing, Capricorn, and it’s time for you to find out why. Write a book, make a documentary, but do something. The story just barely deserves to be told.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The only thing better than two dogs, Aquarius, is three dogs. Weirdly, this is not true of all animals. Feral hogs, for example. The fewer feral hogs there are, the better. The more penguins, though? Excellent. We’re not really sure where we were going with this.

Dinah Takitov is a basket of hyperkinetic weasels.

Photo by Farzad Mohsenvand on Unsplash