January 2022 Horoscopes “It’s very difficult to know what the coming year will bring, even for horoscopists like us.”
August 2021 horoscopes “We are so sorry, Leo. Please accept this image as a token of our heartfelt sorrow on your behalf.”
March 2021 Horoscopes “Sometimes you’ve just reached the end of your proverbial rope, and it’s time to crawl into bed, eat some ice cream, and listen to Joni Mitchell for just as long as it takes.”
February 2021 horoscopes “How are all those New Year’s resolutions shaping up? It’s okay if you’ve abandoned them. No one will know, what with you still stuck endlessly in your home.”
Horoscopes: January 2021 “It’s okay to be sad, but remember that there are still nice things in the world. And you’re one of them.”
December horoscopes “Our feet are asleep, Sagittarius. That might not mean anything to you, but it tells us that this December is going to be your time to shine. And we mean really shine, like you are a beautifully polished piece of chrome!”
Horrorscopes...Get it? “When an unfamiliar man arrives in your life, do not, Sagittarius, under any circumstances, tell that stranger the name of your first childhood pet.”
August horoscopes “Comic books are really, really good, Aquarius. It’s time for you to start getting really, really into them. Not the superhero ones. The really weird ones.”
Our horoscopes adhere strictly to data-driven guidance of epidemiological experts May 2020 horoscopes by Dinah Takitov
