Aries (March 21-April 19)

That erotica you’ve been writing lately is really starting to take off, Aries. Don’t be so gun shy about it. Start submitting to publishers, for crying out loud. Tens of dollars are waiting for you!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Actual cancers are notoriously difficult to get along with, Taurus. It’s not your fault that everything isn’t working out as you had hoped. Take unusually good care of yourself this month.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

There are a lot of neat things in the world, Gemini: birds, vinyl toys, brightly colored embroidery floss, the work of bell hooks, double rainbows, all Thai food. We just thought you could use a reminder.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Oh, Cancer. What on earth are you doing with yourself? We can’t tell at all, but we are pretty sure that you might know. This kind of upside-downery is not sitting well with us. Be forewarned.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

That thing we told you about drafts was not just a suggestion, Leo. It was a real, sincere instruction meant to improve your writing and we hope that sometime in the near future you will start listening to us. Or yourself.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22)

Well, you’ve been stuck inside for just a little more than a year, Virgo. Your time for vaccination is getting close at hand. Do something nice for yourself, like plan a trip. Just the planning of an escape will help, even if it’s still too dangerous to go.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)

Please ground that fantasy, Libra. We know that it’s important to you, but right now is not the time to be uprooting your whole life. That time comes next month, right around the third Tuesday.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)

The dirt, Scorpio: it remains. Some days it is less, some days it is more, but always it is precious. Occasionally it may seem like those around you are uninterested in—or even, perhaps, aggravated by—the dirt. This is an incorrect assumption. They simply wish for you to be happy.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21)

There are a lot of people clamoring for you to do things their way, Sagittarius, but as always, you know they are wrong. Continue on the path you are already forging. Gold stars all around.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

When did you last ride a roller coaster, Capricorn? We suspect it was before the pandemic. Amusement parks likely won’t be safe for quite some time. You know what that means: time to start building your own.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

It’s April, Aquarius! Try not to get too angry with the three people who are planning an elaborate prank on you. They love you and simply wanted to know what it would be like to see that many plastic lawn flamingos at once. Any murderous enchantments are not their fault.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Well, Pisces, you’ve picked yourself up and dusted yourself off, and now you’re back to your old self! Consider whether this is a positive, however. Was your old self really that great? Might your new self be even more resplendent?

Dinah Takitov is twelve bunnies in a trenchcoat.