Sagittarius

(Nov. 23-Dec. 21): Our feet are asleep, Sagittarius. That might not mean anything to you, but it tells us that this December is going to be your time to shine. And we mean really shine, like you are a beautifully polished piece of chrome!

Capricorn

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Dearest Capricorn: we hope that your holiday season is bright, cheery, and spent mostly in isolation, just the way you want it.

Aquarius

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The very best thing for you to do this month is to adopt an animal, Aquarius. We suggest something of the one-eyed or three-legged variety. Sure, it might take some getting used to, but it will be deeply fulfilling in the end.

Pisces

(Feb. 19-March 20): You've nearly made it through the hellscape of 2020, Pisces! Better things must be ahead, right? Well... let's just say 2022 is really going to be your year and leave it at that.

Aries

(March 21-April 19): Oh, Aries, honey, no. That thing you keep thinking about doing is a terrible idea. Unless you add more sequins, in which case you may be on the right track.

Taurus

(April 20-May 20): This has been a rough year for all of us, Taurus. Now is a good time to start actively practicing gratitude for simple, everyday things. Like tacos, or the way socks fit nicely on your feet.

Gemini

(May 21-June 21): Oh, Gemini, you rapscallion, you! You know what you've done. Be unceasingly, obnoxiously proud of yourself. Only for this month, though.

Cancer

(June 22-July 22): We've heard that this winter is supposed to be especially cold and wet, Cancer. We are a little mad at you, but mostly hopeful that snow days will still be a thing despite remote learning and working. Don't crush our dreams.

Leo

(July 23-Aug. 22): How many different things can a person make from human hair, Leo? We don't know but suspect that you are working to find out.

Virgo

(Aug. 23-Sep. 22): Did you know that it is possible to lie still, unmoving, staring at the ceiling for literal hours without even a cell phone in your hand, Virgo? We tried it out and are now recommending you do the same. As an added bonus, it really tends to disturb cohabitants in your home.

Libra

(Sept. 23-Oct. 23): There is a suspicious growth on one of your friends, Libra. We're not saying you should check all of these friends thoroughly yourself, but we're not notsaying that, either. Get consent first, obviously.

Scorpio

(Oct. 24-Nov. 22): You will be visited by three ghosts, Scorpio. They aren't going to show you the error of your ways or anything; they're just going to rearrange a bunch of stuff in your house. It won't be better, but it also won't be worse.

Dinah Takitov is a thing that creeps.