I have friends who are Pepsi people, Coke people, or Red Bull people. I have friends who drink only Makers, only Jack Daniels, or only Knob Creek. I have sober friends, too. Some people only drink reverse osmosis water. (Yeah, that’s a real thing.)
Some like football (soccer). Some like football (American). Some people like both. Some don’t like sports at all. Some friends cheer for the Ducks. And there are Beavers, Yankees, and Eagles fans in my circles. They have jerseys and tickets and hats and rivalries.
I have friends who are sexual. Some are heterosexual, and some are bi, gay, lesbian, or pansexual. Others are asexual.
I could keep giving examples, but it’s all the same idea. People know what they like. They know who they like. They know themselves best. These things become parts of who and how we are.
Your team can give you a sense of community — maybe even a sense of identity.
I forgive my friends who root for the University of Washington. The Huskies are not for me. But, I accept there are UW fans. I can learn from my friends about why they like UW. And I even love some of them — I accept them and their UW proselytizing. Not all Huskies are so bad. My worldview has shifted. (See what I did there?)
People know themselves better than you, even when you know them better than anyone else. And sure, you might think you know your favorite person better than they know themselves — maybe you think that you know the ‘real’ them, and that they are confused. But even so, those are your observations from the outside of a person. And sometimes people are so aware of your investment in being the expert on them, that they don’t try to convince you otherwise.
We don’t always know how to listen. Our brains make us feel safe by creating a ‘reality’ for us that helps us feel we have an understanding of, and a degree of control over, our environment… including our friends and family.
So here we are, living through a vehement bathroom and pronoun war, trying to “save the soul of our country” from transgender people.
Really?
Who are we? As a society, who are we? What is this?
(Again. Here we are again. And still.)
Cisgender is a dirty word now, in some circles — an example of far-left, radical lib-speak. To these circles, transgenderism is ‘a delusion,’ ‘a mental illness,’ ‘a fetish,’ ‘pedophilia,’ or ‘grooming.’
No. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders was first written in 1952 — a time when it was common practice and completely acceptable (even more so than today) to discriminate against anyone who was not male, heterosexual, and white.
In fact, “in 1950, Congress put forth a report entitled ‘Employment of Homosexuals and Other Sex Perverts in Government,’ which marks the first time that Congress explicitly discriminated based on sexual orientation. This prejudicial report encouraged the Civil Service Commission to investigate and fire ‘moral perverts’ who worked for the federal government.”
To give an example of how badly we have messed things up for queer people, and for how long, in the original version of the DSM, homosexuality was categorized as a “sociopathic personality disturbance.” It wasn’t until the fifth update, in 2013, that the APA removed any mention of same-sex orientation as a disorder.
“The category of sociopathic personality disturbance included subcategories, such as antisocial reaction, sexual deviation, and addiction. Sexual deviation included different types of behavior classified as pathologic, including ‘homosexuality, transvestism, pedophilia, fetishism, and sexual sadism including rape, sexual assault, mutilation.’”
Enter gender diversity. You may not like it. You may not understand. You may not care about it. But transgender people have always existed. They will always exist. Society can call them whatever it wants, but they are real.
Denying it, hating it, or fighting it won’t stop it. In fact, “Hitler’s Nazi government brutally targeted the trans community, deporting many trans people to concentration camps and wiping out vibrant community structures.”
I’m tired. Growing up in very rural Wyoming in the 1980s, where the pressure to conform was far too high to safely allow folks to be who they truly were, I did not know any openly transgender people. I now have many transgender folks in my life, whom I love dearly.
I am most comfortable these days understanding that gender is personal and incredibly complex, even for me as a gender fluid person who just wants to feel safe and free to explore what feels right without experiencing sociopolitical violence. When I share that, I am most often met with silence. Other times, I’m met with “But that’s normal. What makes a woman, anyway?” Some people accept it: “Cool, thanks!” or even “Yay!” But nobody has ever asked, “What is that like? Can you help me understand?” We are really bad at this.
A transgender person experiences themselves in a way no one else can. They know what feels right and wrong for them, what feels interesting to explore and what does not. We cannot possibly come to fully know something that we have never experienced. We can only try to understand.
Pronouns are far more personal than sports teams or beverage preferences.
I want my cisgender friends to do an experiment. Go by the opposite pronouns for one day and see how weird it feels, how incongruent and distracting to your brain. Maybe try for a week. A month. Just to experience the incongruence. Then when you switch back, have people tell you you are making outlandish demands and it’s just too hard for them. Have them tell you how much work they did for you and how entitled you are.
I hear, “They’re demanding we use pronouns” through gritted teeth. Nobody is forcing anyone to use personal pronouns. People are asking. People are sharing about themselves. People are just telling you what fits them.
Why does it matter so much to them? More than pronouns, they are asking to be treated with human-to-human dignity and respect, through the language used when talking to and about them. And you don’t have to.
But doesn’t it feel a little weird to call someone by another gender’s pronouns just because you want to? To make yourself more comfortable? To be mean? To ask, “What gives you the right to know yourself? I’ll say what I please. And by the way, did you chop your dick off?” I’ve felt the punch in the gut when someone shows such utter disregard for people I love dearly. I can only imagine what it would feel like if I were the target.
If you see signs of gender diversity and you’re not sure, feel free to barge ahead. Call people whatever you want and ignore those signals entirely. Refuse to try. It’s not about you anyway. If you don’t care, you don’t care.
Or you can ask what their pronouns are, and tell them yours. People will appreciate it or they won’t. That’s that. Occasionally someone will get indignant that you have questioned their gender. It’s okay. Apologize and move along.
Is it better to just mow over everyone, save yourself the effort, and look like a strong American? Is it better to not care? Choose your own adventure.
Tanya retired after 20+ years in healthcare to help people accessibly release trauma from their bodies. You can find her at fb.com/theheartopens.
