Photo by Gary Meulemans
Content notice: Mention of suicide
The right time to move in with someone is whenever one of your leases expires. Simple.
It’ll be fine, Everleigh kept reminding herself as she helped move her coworker-turned-situationship-turned-girlfriend into her apartment. This will work out well.
Sure, she and Jenny had only been dating for three months. And Everleigh needed to switch departments after word of their relationship reached their boss. And Jenny had a cat, Caspar, who did not like Everleigh, hissing whenever she got within five feet of him. But none of that mattered when you had a real connection, and Everleigh had never had a relationship like this one.
She walked up the stairs to her apartment door, arms laden with a box of cookbooks and assorted spices. Jenny was heading back down to the U-Haul. “Looking good,” she murmured as she slipped past Everleigh, lightly slapping her ass on the way.
Everleigh grinned to herself. Yeah. It’s gonna be fine.
~
Jenny flopped onto the bed and snuggled into Everleigh, sighing. “Thanks, babe. That is such a weight off my shoulders.”
“Course,” Everleigh replied, pulling Jenny close and looking around the apartment. She had to admit, this was nice. Jenny didn’t have much stuff, and what she had brought complemented Everleigh’s cozy maximalism. Books and brightly glazed potted plants spilled from shelves and tabletops. Carefully placed lamps emitted a warm, comforting glow, and Jenny’s patterned throw pillows matched the blue sofa in the living room. Plus, Caspar hadn’t bitten her yet!
“I was worried when I asked you to let me move in,” Jenny murmured, her breath tickling Everleigh’s ear. “I know it hasn’t been long, but I was in such a rut with my shitty roommates and I could never afford a good place on my own. I don’t know how many people would be willing…” Her voice trailed off and she snuggled a bit closer into Everleigh, burying her face in Everleigh’s neck.
Everleigh’s heart swelled and started beating harder. That was happening more and more often, the more time she spent with Jenny. “It’s not a big deal. I think we would have moved in together pretty quickly, anyways. Besides,” she said, looking down at her girlfriend, her curtain of brown hair falling around Jenny’s face, “you’re helping me. Now I can save up for a new car!”
Jenny laughed — God, I love how she laughs! — and Everleigh began showering her with kisses, the warmth in her chest spreading through the rest of her body.
~
A week later, things were going very well, Everleigh thought.
For starters, she had never seen Jenny happier. Each morning, Jenny woke her up with gentle singing and the smell of cooking breakfast. Jenny was working on her pottery, going to the studio after work. And every night, Jenny fell asleep wrapped in Everleigh’s arms, and slept peacefully till sunrise.
Everleigh was happy, too, just a bit tired. It was harder to get out of bed in the mornings, and she found herself napping when Jenny was out. She wrote it off as stress due to things being different — even good different was an adjustment — and her body hated different. But she loved seeing Jenny doing well. She was sure she’d adjust soon.
~
“Leigh, baby? Are you sure you should go in today?”
Jenny’s voice startled Everleigh out of a daze. She was in their bathroom, brushing her teeth. Foamy paste had dribbled onto her chin and her blouse. Shit.
Jenny walked in behind her, clipping on an earring. She put the back of her hand to Everleigh’s forehead. Jenny’s hand felt smooth and cool. “You’re burning up, babe. You should call out.”
“But they need me,” Everleigh mumbled, wiping the suds and spit from her face. “We’re supposed to close on the Henderson deal today.”
“So they’re almost done! Meaning they don’t need you.” Jenny cupped Everleigh’s cheek, brushing her thumb over her mouth. “Besides, Henderson is a simple guy. I’m sure the rest of your team can handle him.”
Everleigh leaned into Jenny’s cool palm. “Okay,” she mumbled. She let Jenny guide her back to bed and undress her. She called her boss to let him know she wouldn't be in, while Jenny grabbed medicine from the cabinet. She took the pills without fuss, drifting to sleep as Jenny left for work.
~
The most surprising part of Everleigh’s illness was that Caspar kept her company almost the whole time. Like a living hot water bottle, he stayed close and purred while she lay feverish in bed, zoning in and out of old seasons of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix. Her boss had assured her that, with the Henderson deal closed, now was as good a time as any for her to use the PTO she’d been building up.
Jenny continued to work, and to sing while she cooked, and to make pottery. She had even taken to doing yoga in the mornings, which Everleigh enjoyed watching. Having Jenny with her was so great. Normally when she was sick, she lived off Doordashed Panera Bread split pea soup. But now Jenny cooked for her every night, feeding her warm fresh meals, like taco bowls and chicken coconut curry. She also made sure Everleigh took her medicine, alternating between the bright orange gelcaps in the morning and the dark green ones at night.
“I’m glad you’re feeling good,” Everleigh said one morning as she watched Jenny’s calf muscles flex and shift. Jenny had nice calves. She hoped Jenny would keep doing yoga every morning.
“Well, I’m just glad I’m here to take care of you!” Jenny said cheerfully, shifting to a new pose. “Who else would do it if I still lived across town?”
~
Eventually, Everleigh had to go back to work. At Jenny’s insistence, she had a blood panel done, and the next day she was back in the office. She hoped that nothing serious would come up on the panel, but Jenny pointed out that it could be some sort of hormonal imbalance.
Everleigh was feeling better. She didn’t have a fever, at least, and her runny nose had calmed to a trickle, but she was still dealing with the fatigue. Fortunately, work wasn’t too busy upon her return. A few more deals had been started, and the tedious early work had already been done.
On her first day back, Jenny drove them both to the office. “You can take the car home when you’re done, babe. I want to glaze my bisqueware today.”
“Do you need me to pick you up?”
“I’ve been thinking of jogging home, actually! I think the exercise would be good for me. It’s only a few miles, and if I can get that down, I can do a 5k in the spring!”
~
Everleigh’s blood panel came back normal, which didn’t surprise her. She didn’t have a family history of imbalances, and was doing okay, for the most part. She had been hoping to start feeling normal enough to resume her evening pilates class, or even join Jenny for yoga; but after a full day of work, she still felt so tired. Even after a full night’s sleep, she was exhausted. It just wasn’t getting better.
Jenny, of course, was doing amazing. In addition to morning yoga, singing while cooking, doing pottery, and now jogging home, she had decided to sell her pottery at the farmers market on weekends, along with homemade, crocheted plant hangers.
Everleigh had no idea how she did it all, and had to keep reminding herself to not be jealous. All things considered, things were going very well for them both. Their relationship was better than ever, Caspar let her pet him now, and having two incomes meant that she was able to add to her savings and indulgences a bit more. And seeing one’s partner thrive was always nice…
There’s nothing to be miserable about, she thought as she listened to Jenny breathe in her arms. I just wish I wasn’t so damn tired!
~
In a haze of exhaustion, Everleigh drove Jenny to the airport. Jenny had been invited to a work conference, where there would be good opportunities for outreach. She had tried to get out of the trip, not wanting to leave Everleigh, but had eventually agreed to go, after Everleigh had assured her many times she would be fine.
“You shouldn’t need to clean the litterbox. I put in fresh litter this morning,” Jenny said as they arrived in the departures lane. “And his feeder is full, so as long as it still goes off for dinner, you don’t need to worry about him eating. Unless he doesn’t eat, which he might not. Then just add a scoop or two of wet food to incentivize him. And his toys…”
“Jen, quit worrying! Caspar and I are so chill now, I bet he won’t leave my lap for the next three days.”
Jenny took a deep breath. “You’re right. It’s just… this is the first time I’ve had to leave him for more than a day.”
And the first time we’ve been apart since we moved in, Everleigh thought, her stomach lurching. It’d be weird without Jenny. But if she managed it a few weeks ago, she could manage it now. Plus, she had a cat to keep her company this time. “He’s a big boy. He’ll be fine.” She smiled down at Jenny, and squeezed her hand, as the car rolled to a stop. “Call me when you land, baby. I’ll see you in a few days.”
Jenny leaned over and kissed Everleigh for a long time. “Take care while I’m gone, okay? I’ll miss you.”
“Love you, Jen.”
“Love you, too.”
~
The next evening, for the first time in weeks, Everleigh found herself with both the motivation and the energy to do something active. Deciding to start small, she settled for a light walk on the treadmill in the apartment gym. It wasn’t as nice as the one she went to for pilates, but it was perfect for a simple walk.
After 30 minutes of walking and 15 of light jogging, Everleigh felt refreshed and energetic. She bounced up the stairs to her front door, hardly noticing them, when just yesterday she’d been out of breath from a single flight.
Gosh, I’ve missed this! She thought. I feel so good, I could even make dinner!
She made herself an omelette, and watched as Caspar dashed to his feeder when it dispensed his nightly meal. They ate together in contented silence.
~
The next day, Everleigh’s alarm went off at its usual time, and she woke up feeling well rested. Must have gotten properly tired out by that jog! I have to do it again today, if I can. Maybe that was the secret to getting herself back to some sense of normal. Just work through it, one slow jog at a time.
Work went by without a hitch. She called Jenny during her lunch break, and was delighted to hear that the conference was going well, even if some of the talks were boring. Jenny had even found a potential client, who was looking to expand into their area. While life hadn’t been bad by any means lately, today felt like the first good day in way too long.
After work, Everleigh felt well enough to run again, and she jogged for 30 minutes. It felt incredible. Then she took a cold shower, and spring cleaned her desk, which felt even more incredible. She perused her long-neglected tubes of paint. Oh yes! It’s been far too long since I’ve painted a landscape, hasn’t it? She lined up the paints, retrieved her paintbrushes from a drawer, and sprayed the palette clean of dust, then stepped back and inspected the setup.
Maybe later this week I’ll have the energy to do some painting.
~
The rest of the time Jenny was gone, Everleigh felt like her life had spun 180 degrees. Work didn’t drain her, she hit the gym every day, and she did warm-up exercises with her paints to get back into the swing of things. She even found the time to groom Caspar and practice his tricks with him.
She was missing Jenny, though, and as she drove to the airport, her tummy was doing backflips. Maybe we can go out and do things together, now that my funk is over!
When she saw her girlfriend walk out of the arrivals gate, Everleigh gasped. Jenny looked dead on her feet. She trudged through the glass doors, pulling her suitcase like it weighed several tons. Her hair was dull, her clothes were crumpled, and her eyes looked bruised and swollen.
“You okay, baby?” Everleigh asked, as she loaded the suitcase into the car.
Jenny slid into the passenger seat. “Yes, just exhausted. I did so much outreach nonsense that I never want to see a business card again!” She smiled up at Everleigh, and reached to squeeze her fingers. “All I want now is to curl up on the couch with you and enjoy the weekend together.”
~
And enjoy the weekend they did! They spent that first evening curled up under a fuzzy blanket, watching a movie and eating Doordashed sushi. Caspar wailed while they ate, their laps occupied, but jumped up the second they finished eating and made happy biscuits on Jenny’s tummy as their movie droned on.
Saturday, they stayed home, each working on a craft project as the latest season of a Netflix baking show played in the background. Jenny was crocheting a plant hanger while Everleigh painted. Jenny looked much better after the night’s rest, and Everleigh felt sure she’d be fine by Monday. She was feeling a little tired again herself, if she thought about it, but just drummed it up to wanting a nice lazy weekend. Nothing wrong with that.
On Sunday, Jenny resumed her morning yoga. Everleigh thought about joining in, but she had woken up with a headache, and resigned herself to watching Jenny work her amazing legs. Dang! I missed those legs.
In the evening, Jenny went to the studio to check on her projects. Everleigh forced herself down to the gym, but barely managed 15 minutes of walking before she felt winded. What the hell is happening? I thought I was over this.
~
By the time Wednesday rolled around, Everleigh was back to feeling like she was half alive; the energy she had regained over Jenny’s absence was spent. Jenny, however, had fully recovered from her trip and was back to her many hobbies and activities.
Once again, Everleigh had to try not to be jealous, and turned her energy to figuring out the cause of her exhaustion. It wasn’t a cat allergy — she had done just fine with Caspar while Jenny was away. It wasn’t something she ate, or anything that would have shown up on her blood panel…
Dread sat heavy in her stomach as she settled on the one thing that made sense.
Could it be Jenny? No… that’s crazy. I’m just being paranoid!
In any case, how could it be her? Jenny ate all the same meals she cooked for Everleigh, and lived in the same space. The only thing it could possibly be was Jenny herself. Could it be…?
Slowly, she formed a plan for how to test her theory.
~
“I wish you didn’t have to go,” Jenny said. She stood in her robe by the car, shivering, her arms folded tight across her chest. There was a whine in her voice, high and demanding, like a child’s. Everleigh shuddered, a chill running down her spine, and she threw her jacket on top of her bag in the back seat, then slammed the door.
“Me neither, Jens, but my brother needs me.” It wasn’t a lie. When she had offered to babysit her niece so her brother and his wife could take a break, he’d jumped at the opportunity. “It’s less than a week. I’ll be back before you know it.”
“But what if I need you?” Jenny whimpered. “Let me come with you. Please! I don’t know if I can handle being away from you for so long.” That made Everleigh pause and her resolve wavered. She sounded like she meant it. What if something bad happens?
No! She shook herself. Be strong! You’ll be sick with doubt if you don’t test this. She reached out to hug and kiss her girlfriend goodbye. “I know you can, Jens. You’ll have Caspar, too, remember? I believe in you.”
Jenny pulled away, pouting. “Just hurry back. No dawdling.”
“Course, babe. Love you.”
“Love you,” Jenny mumbled, and remained standing in place, her shoulders slumped. As she drove away, Everleigh watched her in the rearview mirror until she rounded the corner.
~
The journey to Everleigh’s hometown took a few hours. She listened to a podcast as she drove, trying not to think too hard about Jenny’s strange behavior.
When she arrived at her brother’s house, it was clear that she was right to come. Her niece, Ahverie (god bless quirky millenial spelling habits), was seven years old, and a little fireball of energy who didn’t let her parents get much rest. Her brother’s eyes had bags even darker than hers, but he still managed a smile when he saw her. She offered to keep Ahverie occupied for the evening so he and his wife could finish packing.
It was exhausting, but a different kind of exhausting than what she had been experiencing — there was something so rewarding about spending time with her niece. They played dress-up, Everleigh did their hair and nails, and she detangled several dolls who were rat-kinged together. Ahverie bounced around the playroom the whole time, but they kept it contained enough for her parents to be ready to drive out in the morning.
At last, after Ahverie passed out for the evening, drained by the wonderful excitement of her aunt visiting. Everleigh settled in for a couple of drinks with her brother and sister-in-law.
“Thanks for offering to watch her! We’ve been talking about taking a trip for ages, and we just had to jump at the chance when you offered.”
Everleigh sipped her wine and relaxed into her chair. “Honestly, it’s been too long since I’ve seen you all, and even longer since you two have had some couple-time. I’ve had a bit much of that lately, so I figured a change of scenery was due.”
~
Everleigh awoke to two missed calls and a text from Jenny:
Nothing urgent. I just miss you. Come back early if you can? <3
Everleigh sent an appropriately sappy response, and went to help feed Ahverie while her parents got ready to go.
Their departure went off without a hitch. With pancakes consumed, car loaded, and Paw Patrol playing, the parents drove away without a single tear. Ahverie was mostly just excited for the fun week ahead, and Everleigh had to agree.
~
Everleigh and Ahverie went to the trampoline park, chased seagulls at the pond, rode bikes, and watched enough Paw Patrol and Bluey to last Everleigh a lifetime. Remarkably, she had the energy for it, and found herself waking up even before the kiddo to make fun breakfasts and plan out the day. It’s happening just like I feared it might…
Between activities, she found time to call Jenny. Jenny had turned down requests to FaceTime, claiming she had a nasty breakout, and she didn’t want to look at it in the corner of her screen. Everleigh didn’t push.
Jenny sounded tired, like she had after coming home from her trip. Even through the phone, it was clear she was becoming a shell of her usual bright and productive self.
“I need you here, babe. I’m just not myself without you,” Jenny said, that chilling, high whine returning to her voice.
Everleigh fought down the panic in her throat. “Two more days, I promise. Think you’ll manage?”
“What if I don’t? What if I wither away into nothing?”
She sounded very serious, but Everleigh laughed anyway. She had to. “You’ve got this, baby. I know you do.”
~
Before she knew it, the whirlwind stopped, and the trip was over. Ahverie was delighted to see her parents, her parents were refreshed and happy to be home, and Everleigh was left with her spiraling thoughts, dreading the return to her beloved apartment and the girlfriend she was starting to fear.
She tried to call Jenny on the drive home, but got her voicemail. She sent a few texts promising she’d be home in just a few hours, but got no response. Everleigh’s thoughts raced. She wasn’t sure what was coming. A confrontation? A breakup?
Everleigh didn’t know what she was going to do — whether her life with Jenny was sustainable. She feared there was intentionality behind the energy drain, that Jenny only loved her because of what she could suck from her. And even if that wasn’t the case, how could they possibly coexist, if one of them could only be well when they were together, and the other only when they were apart?
The car slipped through the dark streets, carrying Everleigh closer to the answers she both hoped for and feared, as her thoughts continued to spin.
~
Everleigh opened the apartment door, and immediately things seemed… wrong. All the lights were off, including the lamps they kept on for ambient light. Caspar ran to her and started meowing, which he never did when Jenny was home.
“Jens?” Everleigh called, setting down her purse and duffel bag. “Babe, are you okay?”
She moved around the apartment, turning on lights, scared each time she flicked a switch of what it may reveal. She checked the bathroom and office for signs of life. Nothing. Caspar continued to press and weave between her legs, his meows echoing through the dark apartment.
Everleigh opened the bedroom door, and gasped. What the…?! The glow from the hall light shone through the doorway slit, the vertical stream of light striking the centre of the bed. There was a pile of blankets, a person-shaped lump beneath them. She tiptoed closer. The thing she saw gazing up from the pillow wasn’t Jenny. Not anymore.
Everleigh stood over the blanket-swaddled figure, her brain not wanting to believe what she was looking at. Swaddled under layers of quilts and duvets was a literal husk of a person, dried up and mummy-like. But she knew the piercings in the now-shriveled ears; had felt the cheekbones she now saw jutting out from gray, leathery skin; had kissed those once-perfect lips, with their once-defined cupid’s bow. There was no one else it could be.
Jenny. Withered away to nothing.
~
Everleigh called the police to get help with Jenny’s body, and was thoroughly questioned by the officers. She told them she didn’t know what had happened. She was out of town the whole time. She had text messages and work emails and a slip from the gas station near her brother’s house to prove it. The officer took names and wrote some numbers down. They said she wasn’t a suspect, yet, but they’d be in touch after the autopsy report.
They took Jenny’s body away in a bag.
Everleigh sat in numb silence on her couch. She couldn’t even cry. Jenny’s cat — her cat — wound between her legs, meowing softly, either seeking or giving comfort. She reached down to pet him between the ears, just how he liked it.
How did this happen? Did I do this? By leaving her for too long? Why didn’t she tell me?
But of course, Jenny had told her. Everleigh just hadn’t wanted to listen. She’d laughed, and driven away.
~
Everleigh decided to sleep on the couch that night. The bedroom still smelled too much like Jenny — dried up, husky Jenny; not alive, vibrant, singing Jenny. She’d have to get a new bed. You can’t share a bed that once held a dead person, a dead lover. Maybe she’d even have to get a new apartment. How will I ever get rid of that smell?
She quickly got her pajamas out of the dresser, and as she was shutting the drawer she spotted something — a folded sheet of paper. Everleigh was written on the outside in Jenny’s swirling handwriting, a little heart dotting the ‘i’. She grabbed it and fled to the living room, where she changed quickly and then wrapped herself in a blanket on the couch. Caspar settled into her lap, purring, and Everleigh unfolded the paper.
~
Leigh Baby,
It’s time for a confession: I’m cursed.
I should have told you long ago. I guess a naive part of me hoped I’d never have to. I could say I was just scared of how you’d react, but that’s no excuse for hurting you.
I don’t know how it happened, I just remember when it started — the renewed vigor I felt every time I shared a bed with someone. The more time I stayed with them, the more alive I’d feel. Hobbies and activities that once seemed impossible were easy to do, time and energy no longer a barrier.
My high school boyfriend was my first victim. I didn’t know about the consequences, and I was selfish. Greedy. He became too exhausted to stay alert during football practice, and was kicked off of the team. His resentment grew — how could I manage to edit the school newspaper, and be on the yearbook staff, and be in the school play? How could I do so much and he could do so little? He broke up with me. And it’s probably a good thing for him that he did.
After he left me, my energy started to drain. I could no longer enjoy all the activities I’d grown to love. Before my skin even started to dry out, I knew that I was dying. I knew I needed to do something about it.
So, I found someone else to sleep with. I dated them for a bit, regained my strength. I didn’t need to feed every night — every few days was enough to keep my grades from slipping, though I had to drop the spring play. But even as careful as I was, my new partner began to feel the drain. They became so ill they had to drop out of school. I stopped seeing them then, and I think they got better.
Then I was onto the next person. In this way, I got myself through high school. People talked behind my back, called me a hussy or a slut, but I didn’t care. I was just trying to stay alive.
In college, there were plenty of frat boys for one night stands, or curious girls to take for a spin. I could bounce around enough that I didn’t take too much from anyone, but it was never as delicious, as invigorating, as when I was with someone long term. So I tried again.
That time, I took too much, too quickly. They faded in mere months, and then took their own life.
After that, I almost let myself die, too. I experimented. I wanted to figure out how long I could last. Quickly — too quickly — my skin sagged and turned gray, and my eyes grew hollow. In less than a week, I was a shell of my former self. It happened so much faster than when I was a teen. I guess it takes more energy to power a full-grown soul.
I wanted to promise I’d never take from someone again, but I also wanted to live. Is that so wrong? So I looked for people who just wanted a quick bang, and sipped energy from them, just a little from each, just enough to keep going, until I was back on my feet. It’s a miracle I didn’t fail that semester.
For a few years, that was how I survived — never staying with one person long, never getting all the energy I craved. I so desperately wanted more, but I would never allow anyone to die again.
And then I met you — bright, cheery, gorgeous, generous, and so full of life! I tried to stay away, knowing I would never be satisfied with little tastes. You offered me so much, and I couldn’t resist you. I let myself use again. I drained more from you than I have in years. I was burning so brightly, because of you. Because of what I took from you.
Another confession: I cheated on you, when I went on that trip. I hated doing it, but to get back to you, I knew I’d need the energy to last. I was burning out so fast. I took one drunk businessman to bed — used him for fuel for that last day.
When I returned, and saw how you had begun to glow again, I thought about leaving you, of finding relief elsewhere. But Leigh, baby, you’re too perfect. And I’m too weak.
I knew you were on to me when you proposed your trip, and I was so scared to let you go. I was terrified of what I would need to do to survive those dark days without your light, of how many people I’d need to bed. I was terrified of what you’d realize while you were gone, and that you’d leave me.
The second night you were gone, I went to a bar, trying to find someone to sustain me. But then I saw my old high school boyfriend on the TV in the corner. He had a beautiful woman on his arm. She was holding a baby. They were being interviewed about their donation to a teen depression support program. He was so alive, Leigh! It shook me to my core! He was burning so bright, despite what I had once taken from him. If he could do so much good without me, I knew you could do even more.
In that moment, I knew it had to stop. I couldn’t be responsible for holding anyone back again.
And so, now we are here, at the end of it all. I have decided that I’m going to let myself wither away to nothing. I’m scared, baby. I don’t want to die. But more than that, I want you to live. I want you to shine, in that way that only you can. Please, keep going, and live brighter than I ever could.
I love you, Leigh. I love you and I’m sorry.
— Jens <3
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