I am confident you have heard the word ‘consent’ used before. Whether it was in regards to Major League Baseball, a legal contract, a school permission, slip or something more… adult oriented, consent is a big part of life in our society. However, I find that very few people have actually taken the time to think about what consent actually means or how it works in practice.
Let’s start with a definition from Merriam-Webster: Consent (noun): compliance in or approval of what is done or proposed by another.
As a verb, it basically means to give the above definition. The modern use of consent has been normalized by the healthcare industry. Our laws surrounding healthcare use the term “informed consent” — a legally defined term which was brought into healthcare to ensure a patient understood what kind of care they were getting.
Most of the time, when we use the word consent, we are talking about body autonomy or our personal control over a situation. That does not mean that the term exclusively applies to those situations, but I’m going to focus on body autonomy and personal control for this article. More specifically, I’m going to talk about consent when it comes to relationships.
As a child, my parents explained that I needed permission to do anything with (or to) another person. If the other person did not want a hug, but I decided to give them a hug anyway, that was bad. That’s an oversimplification of consent, but it’s a good, simple starting place.
As I got older and better able to understand nuance, my understanding of consent began to evolve. I do things I don’t want to do all the time — things that I’m not happy about, but I agree to them for a lot of reasons. For example: doing dishes. I really don’t enjoy doing dishes, but I do them to ensure I have clean cookware to prepare meals, and eating out of a dirty bowl is gross. I began to think that consent was probably more complicated than just saying “yes” to something.
So, what’s a better, more adult definition of consent? I found guidance from the kink community. Back in the old days, the guidance surrounding consent in that community was SSC: Safe, Sane and Consensual. It sounds pretty self explanatory, but SSC doesn’t really explain consent; it just gives some context for what to look for when you are seeking consent in a given kink situation, but it’s still pretty ambiguous. However, it led to the development of FRIES and, further down the line, CRISP.
FRIES and CRISP are more comprehensive guidelines for consent:
CRISP:
Considered
Reversible
Informed
Specific & Sustainable
Participatory
FRIES:
Freely given
Reversible
Informed
Enthusiastic
Specific & Sustainable
FRIES was originally created by Planned Parenthood, and CRISP was developed by IDC Professionals. As you can see, each has five points, but you’ll notice that CRISP is a little more wide-reaching and answers some of the questions brought up by FRIES. Let’s compare the two consent frameworks.
The R, I, and S mean the same thing in both frameworks. R means that permission must be able to be revoked or rescinded at any time. A good example of consent that is not reversible is agreeing to be locked in a room. If you have no method to escape the room, then you are unable to continue to give consent. I means being informed about the situation in which you will be giving consent. You can’t consent to something you don’t understand. S means that your agreement isn’t a blanket statement, and it’s not a box to check. Consent may be given or revoked act by act and piece by piece. It is also a state of being and must be maintained.
There is a really great video you can watch about consent called ‘Tea Consent’ on YouTube: https://youtu.be/oQbei5JGiT8
Now, let’s look at how FRIES and CRISP diverge in their understandings of consent.
For FRIES, F means that consent must be given without fear of repercussion, or else it is coercion. E is that you must agree wholeheartedly and with gusto. You may have heard the phrase, “If it’s not a ‘Fuck yes!’ then it’s probably a ‘no’.”
FRIES has its limits, though. It can’t answer some questions that you might have. Can you give consent to a life-saving procedure where refusal could kill you? Can you consent to giving away your ability to give consent, like submitting yourself to a mental health ward? How can you consent to a surprise party without being informed about it? If you don’t enjoy roller coasters, can you still consent to riding one if you aren’t enthusiastic about it? Let’s say that I’ve been married for 10 years. Will I still have to gain permission to give my partner a kiss on the cheek? Can consent be implied?
FRIES wasn’t created to cover all of these situations. It begins to fail when we talk about established dynamics in relationships, where consent can be implied. Some partners have specific relationship dynamics, characterised by the partners taking on specific roles or archetypes in the relationship. For example: dominant and submissive, extrovert and introvert, etc. There are partners with relationship dynamics that utilize implied consent in their day-to-day lives. I have been with my partner for more than twenty years. I no longer ask to do things like give her arm a squeeze or sweep her into my arms for a big hug. We have established through repetition that it is alright for me to do these things, but FRIES can’t explain why this is okay. CRISP answers most of these questions and leaves room to interpret the others.
In CRISP, Freely Given and Enthusiastic are replaced with Considered and Participatory.
The C — Considered in CRISP — means that all parties must stop to think about what giving consent might mean. It also accommodates the kinds of relationship dynamics we discussed by allowing implied consent to be a thing. If you and your partner have both considered the possibility that your partner may give you a kiss on the cheek, and you meet all the other requirements in the CRISP framework, you don’t need a ‘freely given’ statement. Your partner may assume that it’s alright to give you that kiss, and it can still be consensual. This is because the consent was considered beforehand, and now the consent is implied.
Consider the surprise party example. Your friends may know you well enough to know that you really enjoy surprise parties. Through the relationship you have with them, they have gathered information to obtain implied consent. However, if they decide to throw a surprise party for you the week of your father’s funeral, your consent may be temporarily revoked for that specific kind of party. In order for consent to be truly Considered, it must take context into account. Your friends must consider all the factors involved and ensure that the other points of CRISP are satisfied.
The P — Participatory in CRISP — means that all parties involved in any given scenario have agency. An active part in the giving of consent is that it must be agreed to by all parties without coercion. Everyone must be involved in deciding what they participate in.
Consider the roller coaster example. Just because you don’t enjoy roller coasters doesn’t mean that you can’t consent to going on one. However, if your partner knows you don’t enjoy the roller coaster and brings you along without considering your feelings or including you in the decision making, they might not be satisfying the Consideration or Participatory requirements of CRISP.
You can see how the changes made from FRIES to CRISP open up the discussions surrounding consent, and allow more nuanced conversation about consent and violation of consent. CRISP encourages communication and open-mindedness when it comes to consent, while still offering a framework that participants can check themselves against.
Regardless of what consent philosophy we follow, we must strive to ensure our activities are always consensual. Think about your participation and the participation of others. Consider each participant’s agency and state of being. Make sure to utilize safe words or other methods to revoke consent. Answer questions openly and schedule check-ins. With some practice and self-awareness, we can all live in a more consensual world.
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