Our horoscopes adhere strictly to data-driven guidance of epidemiological experts

Taurus (April 20-May 20): We’re sorry about your goldfish, Taurus. Maybe it just knew what was coming and wanted to get out while the getting was good. At least you have the proper time and space to mourn now that you are stuck inside your home.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Whether or not podcasts are your thing, Gemini, we think you should check out Our Plague Year, created by Joseph Fink (the creator of Welcome to Night Vale). If you are feeling panicked and anxious in these uncertain times, it will help you know that at least you are not alone.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): It’s difficult and strange to be stuck inside your home, Cancer, but at least there is some beautiful weather out there to console us all. Thank you for this small gift. Except for this specific day, during which it is raining. Rude.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Are you tired of being inside, Leo? Well, too bad. So is everyone else. Lie on the floor for a while and consider your popcorn ceiling for a change of perspective. Who thought this ceiling was a good idea? Did someone actually like this? That should give you at least a few hours of entertainment.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sep. 22): There are a lot of things on the internet, Virgo. Even if you think you’ve reached the end of it, you really haven’t. Just keep hoping that your connection remains strong and functional for the next several months.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23): Do not go outside, Libra. There are dangers untold and hardships unnumbered. And for once, we are not merely exaggerating for dramatic effect! (Yes, this makes us sad, too. Horoscopists, contrary to popular belief, do enjoy the out of doors. Let’s meet there when this is all over.)

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22): Look, Scorpio: this was not the time to try and remove one of your digits. Hospitals are overrun with coughing, barely-breathing diseased folks, and suddenly your nearly-missing finger just doesn’t seem that important. Next time you try to cut something off your body in the midst of a global pandemic, aim for a fingernail.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 21): It’s imprudent to notice the ghosts that live in every corner of your home, Sagittarius. Don’t think that they haven’t noticed you noticing them. It would be in your best interest to leave them some saltines and refrain from agitating the beautiful cobweb sculptures they’ve been trying to create for you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): It’s important to get out of your pajamas every once in a while, Capricorn. Even if no one sees you, you’ll feel better. The best attire these days is that Halloween costume you weren’t quite brave enough to wear to a party three years ago. Just think: by the time this is all over you’ll finally have the gall to wear it outside!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Turn off the television, Aquarius. Just for a day or two. Sit with the silence. Listen to your breath. Notice that you are not the only one breathing. Don’t panic. Don’t turn around. Don’t move at all. Remain still and quiet until only one breath remains.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Try not to spend all of your time tweeting at the current president about his abject failures as a leader and a human being. You’ve only got so many days in your life, and there are far better things to do with all those words rattling around inside your brain.

Aries (March 21-April 19): What is a person to do when their hobbies no longer fulfill them, Aries? Seriously. We’re asking. We’ll just be here, sprawled listlessly on the floor, waiting for your answer.

Dinah Takitov exists in an alternate universe where turnips are sentient and friendly.