Ask better questions
Photo by Ana Municio on Unsplash
Have you ever wondered how some therapists and other psychiatric professionals make progress when it comes to cultivating safety, comfortability, curiosity, and transformation throughout their sessions? And have you noticed that others — sometimes untrained people, sometimes professionals — using the same language and terms tend to have markedly less success?
When people encounter ‘therapy speak’ from this latter group, it is often just chastisement and patronizing language that is camouflaged with passive aggression. Asking the wrong questions can cause people to dissociate from the actuality of their situational trauma, which can then trigger the desire to mask and perform what they think they’re supposed to do/say/feel. If someone feels dehumanized, the introspection that is required will never occur.
Asking someone “why” will seldom promote empathy, healing, or conflict resolution. Better questions to ask are: “what”, “how”, “when”, and “what if”. The dialogue must adopt an affirming approach that is goal oriented, reality oriented, option oriented, and will oriented.
Goal-oriented questions
To facilitate a productive dialogue, you can ask goal-oriented questions, such as:
- What would you like to gain from our conversation today?
- What makes this conversation important to you?
- How will achieving this goal enable you to move forward?
Reality-oriented questions
To help someone assess their current situation, reality-oriented questions may include:
- What thoughts are occupying your mind right now?
- Is there anything that feels unclear or confusing to you?
- What actions have you already taken to address this issue?
- What factors are pushing you forward or holding you back?
- What additional support would be beneficial for you?
Option-oriented questions
Exploring possibilities can be enhanced through option-oriented questions, such as:
- What options do you see available to you?
- Can you think of another potential solution?
- Where might you find more information to guide your decision?
- If you had more time, control, or resources, what would you choose to do?
- What feels most significant in this situation?
Will-oriented questions
To encourage commitment and action, will-oriented questions can be effective:
- What specific steps will you take moving forward?
- What is the first step you’d like to take?
- When do you plan to implement this step?
- What support do you need to take your next step?
- How do you feel about taking that action?
By asking the right questions, you can help facilitate a process of rebirth, rebuilding, and reconstruction. The goal is to invoke positive change, not to provoke a defensive reaction.
Anyla McDonald aspires to become a poet, short story writer, and essayist speaking about racism against Black people, current world problems, and hot topics. When she writes, she does it with purpose and passion. She feels destined to touch others with her words, and wants to be known as someone who takes a stand and impacts lives with her writing.
Anyla offers consulting services to Black student unions, student governments, school boards, superintendents, parents, and teachers facing social challenges within their institutions. She assists them in developing and implementing policies and activities aimed at preventing discrimination.